Vodka burrito was a success
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Breaking news:
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables