@jodiekinzzz: Vodka burrito was a success
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@chuuew: WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into ME: You're thinking of a sandwich
@sgrstk: People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
@LilFlaOrange30: I'm like a cartoon character, not because I'm cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.