Vodka burrito was a success
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.