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@donjuantip: Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
@Chumpstring: GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!"
12: (sarcastically) "What abs?"
Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
@UncleBob56: [answering machine]
"Hi Mom, leave a message"
@bigmacher: If the Powerball has taught me anything, it's how to turn $200 into $4.
@omgthatspunny: The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.