Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent