Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight