Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom