Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
They must have gotten it to go.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.