VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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is this a threat
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
☺️
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
what could possibly go wrong?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.