@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
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@RightOJack: My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.
@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
@AverageCorners: Someday, when I'm really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.