@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
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@Reverend_Scott: How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
@frogshack: [Walking thru a dark alley late at night] Thug: This is an arm robbery! Me: Don't u mean "armed" robbery? Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope