VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Banking tips
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Breaking news:
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Watson was Holmes schooled
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
get you a girl who
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.