VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
We avoided this particular disaster
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what