[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another