Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
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Oh, I bet you would be
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
english majors be like furthermore
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.