Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.