@SincerelyMen: Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.
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@motorace177: I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
@murrman5: [wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"
@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
@J0hnnyBlaze: Me: "Excuse me, hi" Her: "Um, I have a boyfriend" Me: "Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse"