@SincerelyMen: Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
@TheRolo: Hey guurl. "Hey there." Feeling lonely tonight? "I have a boyfriend." Why are you talking to me then? "You haven't taken my order yet."
@TrueQuixote: Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.