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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
we’re dead?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My Sentiments Exactly
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement