Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Finally!
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller