@abhorrent_wife: Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
@flashember: PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
@SkinnieTalls: Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.
@PetrickSara: Husband:What do you want for Mother's Day? Me:I don't want to have to tell you what I want Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)