Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me buying fruit and veg
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.