Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Vodka burrito was a success
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.