Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*limbos under the caution tape
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Think I pulled my liver
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*