@BadIuckBrian: Voted class president. Assassinated.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
@SteveDutzy: Clark Kent is such a hipster. He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn't seen Superman
@LuckoftheDraw86: I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
@GimpySunshine: ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(