VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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