Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday