Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.