“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵