I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.