@brookeivy: Wait, 12 years a slave isn't about marriage?
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@WilliamRodgers: What my Doctor said... "Sugar kills more people than Cocaine" What I heard... "The next time you're craving Cake...Do some blow instead"
@WheelTod: [Thanksgiving at the In-laws] Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now” Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...” Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
@tylerschmall: Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
@Thynebear: *calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"