Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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Mission: Impossible
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?