Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Introverted vegans go meetless
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.