wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Hero horse inspires millions
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.