wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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nature’s most graceful animal
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Feels
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili