Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.