Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…