“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.