“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Ummm
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
#titanic
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!