@wickedsuga: Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.
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@ItsAndyRyan: Just misread a headline 'Trump wins big' as 'Trump bins wig'. I thought: 'about time too'.
@HeMightBeJason: Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it's burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth. I'm a goddamn genius.
@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.