wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
went fishing caught a bass
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years