I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..