@iAmJuddy: Wait. I'm not cool cuz I'm home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or...parents? Wow, I'm such a loser.
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@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
@_knuck_: *wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."
@CornOnTheGoblin: ♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪ [Take on bees] ♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫ [Take on bees] Ooouch I'm stuuuuung ♪ Too many Beeeeees ♫
@PinkBlotMom: Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they're Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he's got diabetes.