My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
is this store having a stroke wtf
The days of good grammer has went
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.