every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
This is I, Robot all over again
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing