[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
very niche meme I made
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*