“Wait, let me explain..”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*