Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Donkey Kong sommelier
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*checks real estate listings on other planets*