Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut