Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
You Might Also Like
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.