Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth