Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.