Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
it’s the silliest best thing
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.