“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol