“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My life coach traded me.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
incredible book dedication
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.