Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.